For Jesse
The snow falls calmly and quietly.
I have just gotten off the phone and heard the news of Jesse. The city is loud, and my mind is running with endless thoughts and worries,
but the snow falls, calmly and quietly.
I can feel Jesse’s spirit around me.
There are people closer to Jesse and know him better, so though I never got to spend as much time with him as I wish I could have, I feel privileged I get to call him my uncle.
This weekend, the entire Kim family gathered to remember, celebrate, and honor Jesse’s life. As undoubtedly sad as the news of his departure is, this weekend was beautiful and abundant with joy, love, and support.
We gather at Jinyoung and Jesse’s house where Troy, Jay, and Ellen grew up, a place that still feels familiar after all these years.
engraving of Troy’s name
We visit Port San Luis, one of Jesse’s favorite places to go fishing. There, we throw white flowers into the ocean. Initially, the flowers disperse in every direction, then they slowly drift further into the sea in a single, straight line.
I find it symbolic of Jesse’s values and the life he led. White flowers representing purity and goodness. Straight line representing his honesty and authenticity, never losing sight of what was important to him. He lived his life with his whole heart. And he had a big one. It reflects in his career, his family, and of course, in the numerous and large fish he caught. I’m grateful I got to learn how Jesse impacted the lives of everyone around him.
Grandpa shares how he never had to discipline Jesse, he was the only one of his brothers that never got spanked.
That’s not to say he didn’t know how to have fun though, when we visit his dental office we find the motorcycle he had purchased recently. I picture him riding down the roads of Santa Maria, with the mountains and ocean beside him, wearing sunglasses and stylish sneakers. Is there a cooler man than Jesse?
It breaks my heart he only got to ride 50 miles on his motorcycle. There was still so much left for him. But I hold on to the Bishop’s words from the service, that God always has a plan, and everything goes according to plan.
Jesse’s dental practice was an extension of the amazing individual he was, a tool for him to serve and help others. It only makes sense his nickname is Wise Guy. Jesse knew from day one what really matters in life. It’s no surprise I find glowing reviews of Plum Tree Dental online. All of Jesse’s patients loved having him as their dentist.
I get to visit his office and find a box of toys for his patients. With Troy’s permission, I keep one of the tooth toys for myself, which now sits on my shelf.
As a father, he was actively present. Time is priceless, and he was very generous with it. His kind, warm demeanor is reflected in his family. Their hearts are so big, so pure, so full of love. As I watch them support each other during this time, I admire their strength. Jinyoung is the kindest and strongest mother I know, looking out and caring for others even during this time of hardship. I watch as Troy steps up as the oldest son, providing comfort for his family. Jay continually stays positive, cracking jokes and smiling, uplifting spirits. Ellen, the sassiest, sweetest, funniest girl ever, making us laugh. Impressed is an understatement. They are the most resilient people I know, and I have no doubt they will continue to make Jesse proud.
During the sacrament, someone shares that to find peace, we have to be peace for others. And the Kim Family does exactly that, leaning on each other.
We eat Jesse’s favorite foods - Popeye’s and KBBQ. We roast marshmallows and starbursts. We play telephone charades, all laughing and having so much fun I almost forget why we are all gathered together until the adults come downstairs with grim faces.
We eventually persuaded them to play a round of telephone charades, and it seemed as if they had even more fun than the kids did.
the brothers & precious Seah
It was a beautiful weekend full of joy, love, and support. There is so much strength and support when we have each other.
Jesse is here with every one of us, smiling and telling us not to worry.
Let us all live like him.
We love you, Jesse.
Change
Sometimes inspiration will hit me and I won’t be able to eat, drink, or sleep until it manifests itself. My mind will be consumed by this magical, creative energy. I can literally feel it pulsing through my veins. This is one of those moments. You know when you’re feeling down and feeling negative energy, that’s when you’re journaling a lot more? And when you’re feeling happier and so present in your life, you don’t have anything to release in your journal. For the first time in a long time, I’m so content. I genuinely have no complaints. I’m so grateful for everything and everyone in my life, and I want to immortalize this feeling and moment through my words. It feels so good to be writing again. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed talking to you.
I’ve been feeling a shift of energy around me. Do you feel it? The air is getting colder, the leaves are starting to change color, and I’m embracing change instead of fearing it. One big change for me has been cutting out daily use of marijuana. Though I partake occasionally, quitting after 5 years of heavy smoking has made a huge change in my personality. I’m more outgoing, inviting, and open with other people. Earlier in the spring, I left a long term relationship with a very special soul and solo traveled for several months, something I was afraid to do before. I’m grateful for everything I learned while I was with him and wonder how he’s doing sometimes. I miss him…but I love the growth that could have only happened if we parted ways, discovering who I am as an individual again. I used to be afraid of even eating alone at restaurants, but I found myself relishing every bite of new food I was trying in different cities. Crispy, warm, gooey caramel-filled Stroopwafels in Amsterdam by the canals. Street carts in Bangkok with plates of green curry, steamed vegetables, and rice.
Oceans away from home, I found myself.
Once I started dating again back in New York, I went about it in a very emotionally detached way. It’s twisted, but because of the detachment I went on most of the dates for the expensive gifts and dinners. However, I craved something more substantial, and stability + familiarity as I grew up moving around a lot. In fact, one of my favorite parts about traveling is coming back home to sleep in my own bed. So it was a big deal when for the first time ever in my years of living in the city, I slept in someone else’s bed. Not in a one-night-stand way, but in a I-feel-so-safe-and-warm-in-this-person’s-presence-maybe-I’ll-stay-here-just-a-little-longer way. (plus it was too late to take the train) It was such a simple moment that I will always remember because it’s something I’ve never allowed myself to do before. It’s confusing and painful opening up to someone you shouldn’t be. I found myself breaking all my rules for someone that was still fairly new in my life, while simultaneously holding myself back and having my guard up because this type of dynamic was unfamiliar.
Why was it so hard for me to spend time with this person and enjoy their company without hoping for a relationship with them? Especially after all the positive growth I’ve noticed since being single, I would have thought I would be completely fine being alone. Maybe it’s the lover girl in me, or maybe I was still accepting the change of losing a relationship in my life.
I think I stayed for the possibility of a relationship, not necessarily because of the bond and connection. I was fixated on an outcome, and the only way out was to fully let it go.
I have a lot of plant babies, one being my aloe vera plant I’ve had for a few years now. It was growing too tall, so for the first time ever I trimmed her. I know you’re supposed to trim plants to help them grow, but I was always scared of this change. And guys… I wish I could say they grew back after healing, but they didn’t. A Google search says “The leaves that have been cut won't actually regenerate, but the plant will continue to grow new baby leaves that will take the place of the cut leaves.”
Sometimes what you leave behind won’t be replaced. And that’s okay, because something new will eventually be waiting for you when the time is right.
That’s why I love taking photos so much. We’ll never get the moments that passed back again, but every time I look at a photo it transports me to this dimension where I can relive that feeling, a way for me to still hold it close in my heart through all the changes in my life. It only makes sense to reminisce the past, honoring every version of you.
Change is beautiful and also terrifying. You don’t know what’s waiting for you on the other side when you decide to make the jump. A new career, a new relationship, a new friend, might not always be waiting for you immediately.
But what you will always have is yourself, landing on both feet, after deciding to take the jump. And that’s already a new, braver version of yourself. Always give yourself a second chance.
My pill case is full of vitamins instead of antidepressants.
I put drops of electrolytes in my water.
I take myself on long walks around the park.
My smile is wider in every reflection.
I sit with feelings of loneliness instead of searching.
I talk to my dad every day.
My only goal today is to have the best day ever.
the good AND the bad
I hope this helps you, too.
I woke up feeling horrible this morning. No one specific reason why, I just felt a dark cloud. Actually, I didn’t even feel horrible, but this dooming feeling over me of being awake and having to function throughout the day. After experiencing a deep, painful trauma last year that left a scar on my soul, my depression has gotten worse. I honestly hate the term “depression”, it’s something I’ve dealt with for such a long time in my life it almost feels like a natural second state, something that has become so normalized I assume everyone else feels this way. It comes in waves, some days are easier, some harder, but I still feel this gaping void inside of myself. I became obsessed with anything that could make me feel better. If you came into my apartment, you’d see numerous self-help & philosophy books, crystals, essential oils, whole fruits and vegetables, all the “good and healthy” things. I had all the materials and knowledge one could have, but none of these things really made me feel happier. When I woke up this morning, it made me feel even more dejected knowing that I still wasn’t “healed” and had to deal with whatever I was feeling. I put the word “healed” in quotes because I realized that the state of feeling whole and fulfilled, of wanting perfection, is not possible. The thing is, I was always going to have down days… because I’m human! And to be human is to feel every experience, both positive and negative. It’s only when I accepted the darkness within me that I began to see the light.
Alan Watts explains the ‘Backwards Law’: the more you pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become, as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place.
(Watts is a white philosopher and his law references Tao Te Ching, a Chinese text from the basis of Taoism).
The Backwards Law is something I’m putting into practice in my daily life. When I woke up today and felt horrible, I let myself feel bad. I didn’t use any type of toxic positivity that could sound like “I should be happy because I have so much to be grateful for”. Though true, it wasn’t appropriate at that specific moment. Instead, I agreed that it was a shitty morning. There didn’t have to be a specific reason or justification, I just let myself be. In the past, I would have forced myself to be “happy” and not give myself a break, leaving me even more exhausted at the end of the day. But I just accepted it this morning and after rolling around in bed more, I got up and turned my day around. The storm passed, as it always does, once I acknowledged it.
I hope this helps you, too.
It was easier for me to remind myself that I have the power to turn any bad day into a good one, but this took a long time to fully put into action. Being so familiar with feelings of emptiness and hopelessness, it was a comfort zone for me. Initially, I was prescribed antidepressants when I was struggling to get myself out of bed. And while everyone’s experiences with medication is different, a combination of pills helped me get out of bed and function in my day to day life, allowing me to go back to school. But the longer I took these pills, the more my body got adjusted, and the more I wanted. The dosages I started off with didn’t have the same effect on me anymore, and I wanted to feel better, feel happier, so bad and so fast. It was a vicious cycle of increasing my dosage, feeling temporary motivation, losing that feeling, then craving it again. While I was chasing the type of stability my medication was giving me, it was only treating the symptoms of my pain, not the source of my pain. With my addictive personality, I realized I was relying on another substance as a substitute and escape. It wasn’t until I accepted that my relationship with these pills weren’t healthy that I began to search for alternatives.
I accepted my negative experience, which gave me a positive experience. By doing this, I was able to focus my energy on coping mechanisms that helped my body and mind long term in stabilizing my moods and mental health. Working out does wonders for both my body and mind but it took me a long time to make it into a healthy habit. Habits are hard to change and incorporate, so I first removed the obstacles in my way. I stopped putting insane pressure on myself for a strong, fit body and going to the gym every single day. This ambitious pressure would lead to overloading myself with gym sessions, then getting burnt out. It took me several months to settle into a routine of committing to the gym three times a week, nothing less and nothing more. This built consistency, as I stopped chasing a “fit” body but rather the pain and hard work that came from going to the gym even on days I’d rather be in bed. I accepted the negative that I wasn’t that great at self-discipline. This helped me work around my weakness - I made sure to have a set schedule and routine. For example, every Tuesday after my class I go to the gym right after and take a strength class. I go to school in the morning with my gym clothes already on, making it easy for my body and mind to build the habit of going to the gym immediately after. It always helps me to be prepared and even show up early for things, as my anxiety is eased this way. I kept showing up.
I hope this helps you, too.
It still amazes me I got to this point. And that’s another thing that helped me push forward. Instead of thinking of what I can do more and better, I looked back at my progress. I’ve come a long way. I’ve even come a long way from my shitty morning earlier today. Here I am, at home after doing light yoga and making nourishing meals, expressing myself. I’m grateful I can share my words with you. Not in an attempt to chase connection or attention, but embracing being vulnerable and intimate, sharing this side of me.
It was never about being “healed” or “happy”, but rather accepting myself as who I am, mood swings, flaws, and all, and learning how to manage and love myself throughout the downs. I’m grateful for the bad, stormy days because that means the sun is just around the corner.
For Aisha
People come and go. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life, but the people who are constant throughout your life are the people you hold the closest to your heart.
In my first blog post, I talked about friendships, and how I identified unhealthy friendships I wanted to get rid of. It’s much easier for me to identify relationships that don’t serve me because I have such healthy friendships I look up to...and also because I was once that toxic friend. I guess it takes one to really know one, right?
Aisha and I became friends in high school. We had left our homes to live at an all-girls boarding school at just 13 years old. When you live in a confined space with hundreds of other girls, you get really close. Almost inseparable. We did everything together, from shower parties, skipping classes, and to taking a shit in the stalls next to each other. We grew up together. Though we lived trapped in the dorms in the middle of nowhere, we had fun just having each other’s company. Aisha is from the Bronx, so whenever I came down from Upstate, we’d meet up and explore New York City together. It was liberating being able to run around the city and do whatever we wanted. So when I found out we would both be going to college in the city, I was beyond excited. I was going to Parsons and Aisha at NYU, so we were basically going to be neighbors. However, Aisha didn’t exactly feel the same way.
When someone hurts you, you tell them. And then it’s up to the other person to stop what they were doing and learn from their behavior, or get defensive and not really hear you. However, sometimes it becomes much harder to express feelings of annoyance, anger, or establish clear boundaries with someone you become really close to. This is even harder when you are an INFP and want to avoid any type of conflict. Aisha and I are both INFP’s and though our personality types don’t define who we are, it is very helpful in understanding the basis of our personalities and our behaviors. You can learn and take a test to find out your personality type here. The Myers Briggs Personality types describe INFP’s as the mediators, the quiet, open-minded, and imaginative people who follow their feelings and intuition. INFP’s are pretty rare and make up only 4-5% of the population. Even though there’s a small number of us, I’ve learned that a good chunk of my friends are actually INFP’s, and we have a way of finding each other. I think in most relationships, INFP’s take on the listening or “therapist” role, as we are extremely empathetic, understanding, and introspective. With that said, it can get pretty emotionally exhausting spending time with people who constantly talk about themselves and their problems and unload their emotional baggage on you. One thing Aisha and I have in common as INFP’s is that we are conflict-averse. Everyone has a different way of dealing with conflict, whether it’s facing it head on or avoiding the situation totally, there is no right or wrong way. However, ignoring a wound and an issue will only fester into something more hurtful and complicated to confront.
Throughout high school, there were many times in which Aisha was left feeling frustrated, saddened, or stressed out about our friendship. All these negative emotions built up and eventually exploded because we never confronted and talked about them. When freshman year of college started, Aisha decided it was finally time to speak up about how our friendship was making her feel through text. She didn’t necessarily want to end our friendship but merely let me know how I had hurt her during our friendship. But after reading the lengthy text Aisha sent me, I reacted badly. I was angry, upset, and refused to believe or really understand Aisha when she confronted me about my behavior. What had also increased my defensiveness was because of the language Aisha used in her text.
in our own world
When we talk about our feelings, it is important to share what we know for certain: which are our feelings and the facts around it. It also helps to switch “you” sentences around to “I feel”.
For example, instead of saying: “You always get angry when I try to tell you how I feel” “You never show up when I want you to” “You make me feel bad about myself”
Switch to: “I feel frustrated when I try to tell you how I want things done and I am met with anger” “I feel neglected and hurt when you don’t show up” “I feel judged when I try to share my interests with you”.
By shifting the focus to our feelings (which are NEVER wrong), the other person is more likely to hear what we have to say. If our sentences sound accusatory, like “you never show up”, it will make the other person defensive and shut you down. This is what happened to me and Aisha when she initially tried to tell me how she felt. I shut her down and refused to acknowledge or validate her feelings. I sent her a text back with everything that made me angry during our friendship that I was holding back and told her we shouldn't’ be friends anymore. Though Aisha was only trying to tell me what I had done to hurt her in hopes of fixing our friendship, I interpreted it as her telling me everything I had done wrong, and that I was a horrible friend. Instead of owning up to my actions and really reflecting on my behavior, I blamed Aisha for ruining our friendship. We went half a year without talking to each other.
It wasn’t until I was put in the exact same position as Aisha that I finally understood where she was coming from. I was trying to communicate with a new college friend how her behavior was hurting me, and I realized Aisha was trying to do the exact same thing. It took me six months, but I finally came to a place of understanding and realized Aisha and I were more similar than I thought. I was scared, anxious, and beyond nervous to share my feelings and set boundaries with this new friend - and I could only imagine how Aisha felt trying to talk to me. I realized I was putting on blame and anger on Aisha for speaking up on her feelings because it was something that I was scared to do. After half a year of not speaking, I reached out to Aisha and we talked to each other, face to face.
It’s been almost a year now since Aisha and I reconnected after time apart. Since then, our friendship has grown beautifully. Whenever we are together I really see the law of attraction come in play; everything flows easily and falls in place so naturally. We vibrate at a higher frequency. Whether it’s biking across the bridge at sunrise, riding a ferry to nowhere, or cooking a meal together, we always enjoy our company and have so much fun. We have also learned more about each other as INFP’s and found that we are actually very emotional and passionate, though it might not look like that on the outside. As true INFP’s we love playing the “We’re Not Really Strangers” Card game, which has us delve deeper into ourselves and learn more about each other on a deeper level.
Aisha and I playing We’re Not Really Strangers
Not everyone is meant to stay in your life, but those who are meant to will always come back. I’m so grateful we found our way back to each other and grew together. Anyone who knows Aisha is lucky to have her in her life. She is the best friend anyone could ask for.
Happy birthday Aisha, I love you.
I am insanely proud and grateful to call you my best friend.
Here’s to another year around the sun.
Reflecting on 2020 as I turn 20
I turned 20 this week (January 18th)...how crazy is that! I loved every second of being a teenager, and I feel like I finally grew up this year. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. For many reasons including the pandemic and personal family problems, 2020 was not easy. It was hard and painful, but I’m grateful for what I learned this year as well. As cheesy as this quote is, “there’s no beauty without pain”. And I am so proud of the person I grew up into today.
When quarantine started early in March, I moved out of my college dorm in the city and moved back home to Long Island. With so much time on hand, I started working out daily and went on walks in the forest next to my house. I have never been a fan of working out, so it was the first time I really took care of my physical health, got in shape, and also enjoyed it. But I knew I had to take care of my mental health, and I think mental health is easily ignored/dismissed and not talked about enough.
We are quick to go to a doctor, get a gym membership, go on different diets, but we don’t do much to take care of our mental health regularly. I’ve even had some people tell me they don’t “believe” in therapy. But think about it like going to the gym; you don’t just get dressed in your lululemon, show up and take a mirror selfie, and see real change in your body. Same with therapy, you have to show up consistently, commit to it, and put in real work to see a change. I started therapy in the summer of 2019 using Talkspace, an online therapy platform that is a more affordable alternative to traditional therapy. (link to Talkspace). I was on the most inexpensive plan of being able to text my therapist 24/7, and though the idea of being able to text your therapist whenever seems great, I was falling into the routing of just ranting when something upsetting happened to me. I noticed I wasn’t reflecting or having a full conversation with her, and even though I was actively messaging my therapist, I wasn’t going deeper in reflecting to really learn about my feelings and behavior. And with online therapy, it was easy to forget to text my therapist back as there wasn’t a set time in the week to talk to her.
So though I was already in therapy for a year, I recently started being able to video call her with my new health insurance, which I was so excited & grateful for!! This time I really got to fully be present in my video therapy sessions and take what I learn in it and apply it to my everyday life. I began to learn more about myself and spend more time with myself, learning to be my own best friend. Learning what your love language is and showing that love to yourself is so important (link to a love language test). For example, if your love language is receiving gifts, then buy yourself flowers! Treat yourself! If you like words of affirmation, shower yourself with compliments, hype yourself up! Get groceries and wash your sheets (acts of service) and get cozy in your warm bed (physical touch). My love language is quality time, so I loved taking myself on dates, long drives to the beach, and doing other fun stuff alone. Slowly, I was beginning my path towards self-love.
For me this year, self-love was letting go of toxic relationships, learning and verbalizing my boundaries, and identifying & modifying my core beliefs. I also worked on my people pleasing tendencies, codependency, and saying “no”. Basically, I learned how to take my power back. There’s a podcast I really love called “The Self Love Fix” by Beatrice Kamau, specifically episode 40 “10 Signs of a Toxic Friendship” really opened my eyes a lot.
I have a lot of beautiful friendships that I am so grateful for, but I was also holding onto some friendships that weren’t helping me grow or make me feel supported. Even though I never felt good and emotionally drained during and after hanging out with these people, I continued to be their friend because I kept making excuses for them and myself. The thoughts in my head sounded like “but we’ve been friends for soo long”, “but they’re so cool, fun and my only friend in this class”, “I know they’re not trying to hurt me intentionally”, “maybe I’m just overreacting”. I made so many excuses and stopped paying attention to how I was feeling.
But the thing is, our feelings are never wrong. It is just the way we feel, and though we can’t control or stop every feeling we have, what we can do with that feeling is understand where it’s coming from and reflect on it, and find healthy ways to cope with it. Soo, I let these friends know how I felt. And as simple as it sounds, this was difficult for me because I usually have trouble sharing my feelings, or even identifying how I feel. And I found it impossible to speak up on my feelings because I cared so much about how the other person would feel, and I didn’t want to hurt them or make them feel uncomfortable, all part of my people-pleasing tendencies. But I had to ask myself, what good comes out of keeping other people happy if I was going to be miserable?
Oftentimes in the past I would just distance myself and drift away from toxic friends, but I knew this time instead of just mentally distancing myself, I had to let them know how I felt. I also knew I couldn’t have any expectations on their reactions because that was not something I could control, but overall they were very understanding of how I felt and why the friendship needed to end. It was hard letting them go as these were people I still loved a lot, but I knew doing so was an act of self-love. And though it felt like I was losing people, it was also just creating more space for better, healthy, beautiful friendships. I started focusing on already existing friendships I have I am so grateful for. Friends should make you feel supported, loved, safe, help you grow, and I wasn’t going to settle for anything less.
photo by natalia baba
I can’t imagine 19 year old me speaking up about my feelings and cutting off unhealthy relationships. There was so much growth and hate replaced with love this year, and it’s amazing how much can change in a year; especially in a year as crazy as 2020. I can only imagine what I will be like next year, and I’m so excited for it.
photo by natalia baba
Links & More
Podcast: “The Self Love Fix” by Beatrice Kamau
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
www.talkspace.com