Change

Sometimes inspiration will hit me and I won’t be able to eat, drink, or sleep until it manifests itself. My mind will be consumed by this magical, creative energy. I can literally feel it pulsing through my veins. This is one of those moments. You know when you’re feeling down and feeling negative energy, that’s when you’re journaling a lot more? And when you’re feeling happier and so present in your life, you don’t have anything to release in your journal. For the first time in a long time, I’m so content. I genuinely have no complaints. I’m so grateful for everything and everyone in my life, and I want to immortalize this feeling and moment through my words. It feels so good to be writing again. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed talking to you. 

I’ve been feeling a shift of energy around me. Do you feel it? The air is getting colder, the leaves are starting to change color, and I’m embracing change instead of fearing it. One big change for me has been cutting out daily use of marijuana. Though I partake occasionally, quitting after 5 years of heavy smoking has made a huge change in my personality. I’m more outgoing, inviting, and open with other people. Earlier in the spring, I left a long term relationship with a very special soul and solo traveled for several months, something I was afraid to do before. I’m grateful for everything I learned while I was with him and wonder how he’s doing sometimes. I miss him…but I love the growth that could have only happened if we parted ways, discovering who I am as an individual again. I used to be afraid of even eating alone at restaurants, but I found myself relishing every bite of new food I was trying in different cities. Crispy, warm, gooey caramel-filled Stroopwafels in Amsterdam by the canals. Street carts in Bangkok with plates of green curry, steamed vegetables, and rice.

Oceans away from home, I found myself. 

Once I started dating again back in New York, I went about it in a very emotionally detached way. It’s twisted, but because of the detachment I went on most of the dates for the expensive gifts and dinners. However, I craved something more substantial, and stability + familiarity as I grew up moving around a lot. In fact, one of my favorite parts about traveling is coming back home to sleep in my own bed. So it was a big deal when for the first time ever in my years of living in the city, I slept in someone else’s bed. Not in a one-night-stand way, but in a I-feel-so-safe-and-warm-in-this-person’s-presence-maybe-I’ll-stay-here-just-a-little-longer way. (plus it was too late to take the train) It was such a simple moment that I will always remember because it’s something I’ve never allowed myself to do before. It’s confusing and painful opening up to someone you shouldn’t be. I found myself breaking all my rules for someone that was still fairly new in my life, while simultaneously holding myself back and having my guard up because this type of dynamic was unfamiliar.

Why was it so hard for me to spend time with this person and enjoy their company without hoping for a relationship with them? Especially after all the positive growth I’ve noticed since being single, I would have thought I would be completely fine being alone. Maybe it’s the lover girl in me, or maybe I was still accepting the change of losing a relationship in my life. 

I think I stayed for the possibility of a relationship, not necessarily because of the bond and connection. I was fixated on an outcome, and the only way out was to fully let it go.

I have a lot of plant babies, one being my aloe vera plant I’ve had for a few years now. It was growing too tall, so for the first time ever I trimmed her. I know you’re supposed to trim plants to help them grow, but I was always scared of this change. And guys… I wish I could say they grew back after healing, but they didn’t. A Google search says “The leaves that have been cut won't actually regenerate, but the plant will continue to grow new baby leaves that will take the place of the cut leaves.” 

Sometimes what you leave behind won’t be replaced. And that’s okay, because something new will eventually be waiting for you when the time is right.

That’s why I love taking photos so much. We’ll never get the moments that passed back again, but every time I look at a photo it transports me to this dimension where I can relive that feeling, a way for me to still hold it close in my heart through all the changes in my life. It only makes sense to reminisce the past, honoring every version of you.

Change is beautiful and also terrifying. You don’t know what’s waiting for you on the other side when you decide to make the jump. A new career, a new relationship, a new friend, might not always be waiting for you immediately. 

But what you will always have is yourself, landing on both feet, after deciding to take the jump. And that’s already a new, braver version of yourself. Always give yourself a second chance.

My pill case is full of vitamins instead of antidepressants.

I put drops of electrolytes in my water.

I take myself on long walks around the park.

My smile is wider in every reflection.

I sit with feelings of loneliness instead of searching. 

I talk to my dad every day. 

My only goal today is to have the best day ever.