the good AND the bad

I hope this helps you, too.

I woke up feeling horrible this morning. No one specific reason why, I just felt a dark cloud. Actually, I didn’t even feel horrible, but this dooming feeling over me of being awake and having to function throughout the day. After experiencing a deep, painful trauma last year that left a scar on my soul, my depression has gotten worse. I honestly hate the term “depression”, it’s something I’ve dealt with for such a long time in my life it almost feels like a natural second state, something that has become so normalized I assume everyone else feels this way. It comes in waves, some days are easier, some harder, but I still feel this gaping void inside of myself. I became obsessed with anything that could make me feel better. If you came into my apartment, you’d see numerous self-help & philosophy books, crystals, essential oils, whole fruits and vegetables, all the “good and healthy” things. I had all the materials and knowledge one could have, but none of these things really made me feel happier. When I woke up this morning, it made me feel even more dejected knowing that I still wasn’t “healed” and had to deal with whatever I was feeling. I put the word “healed” in quotes because I realized that the state of feeling whole and fulfilled, of wanting perfection, is not possible. The thing is, I was always going to have down days… because I’m human! And to be human is to feel every experience, both positive and negative. It’s only when I accepted the darkness within me that I began to see the light.

Alan Watts explains the ‘Backwards Law’: the more you pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you become, as pursuing something only reinforces the fact that you lack it in the first place. 

(Watts is a white philosopher and his law references Tao Te Ching, a Chinese text from the basis of Taoism). 

The Backwards Law is something I’m putting into practice in my daily life. When I woke up today and felt horrible, I let myself feel bad. I didn’t use any type of toxic positivity that could sound like “I should be happy because I have so much to be grateful for”. Though true, it wasn’t appropriate at that specific moment. Instead, I agreed that it was a shitty morning. There didn’t have to be a specific reason or justification, I just let myself be.  In the past, I would have forced myself to be “happy” and not give myself a break, leaving me even more exhausted at the end of the day. But I just accepted it this morning and after rolling around in bed more, I got up and turned my day around. The storm passed, as it always does, once I acknowledged it.

I hope this helps you, too.

It was easier for me to remind myself that I have the power to turn any bad day into a good one, but this took a long time to fully put into action. Being so familiar with feelings of emptiness and hopelessness, it was a comfort zone for me. Initially, I was prescribed antidepressants when I was struggling to get myself out of bed. And while everyone’s experiences with medication is different, a combination of pills helped me get out of bed and function in my day to day life, allowing me to go back to school. But the longer I took these pills, the more my body got adjusted, and the more I wanted. The dosages I started off with didn’t have the same effect on me anymore, and I wanted to feel better, feel happier, so bad and so fast. It was a vicious cycle of increasing my dosage, feeling temporary motivation, losing that feeling, then craving it again. While I was chasing the type of stability my medication was giving me, it was only treating the symptoms of my pain, not the source of my pain. With my addictive personality, I realized I was relying on another substance as a substitute and escape. It wasn’t until I accepted that my relationship with these pills weren’t healthy that I began to search for alternatives. 

I accepted my negative experience, which gave me a positive experience. By doing this, I was able to focus my energy on coping mechanisms that helped my body and mind long term in stabilizing my moods and mental health. Working out does wonders for both my body and mind but it took me a long time to make it into a healthy habit. Habits are hard to change and incorporate, so I first removed the obstacles in my way. I stopped putting insane pressure on myself for a strong, fit body and going to the gym every single day. This ambitious pressure would lead to overloading myself with gym sessions, then getting burnt out. It took me several months to settle into a routine of committing to the gym three times a week, nothing less and nothing more. This built consistency, as I stopped chasing a “fit” body but rather the pain and hard work that came from going to the gym even on days I’d rather be in bed. I accepted the negative that I wasn’t that great at self-discipline. This helped me work around my weakness - I made sure to have a set schedule and routine. For example, every Tuesday after my class I go to the gym right after and take a strength class. I go to school in the morning with my gym clothes already on, making it easy for my body and mind to build the habit of going to the gym immediately after. It always helps me to be prepared and even show up early for things, as my anxiety is eased this way. I kept showing up.

I hope this helps you, too.

It still amazes me I got to this point. And that’s another thing that helped me push forward. Instead of thinking of what I can do more and better, I looked back at my progress. I’ve come a long way. I’ve even come a long way from my shitty morning earlier today. Here I am, at home after doing light yoga and making nourishing meals, expressing myself. I’m grateful I can share my words with you. Not in an attempt to chase connection or attention, but embracing being vulnerable and intimate, sharing this side of me. 

It was never about being “healed” or “happy”, but rather accepting myself as who I am, mood swings, flaws, and all, and learning how to manage and love myself throughout the downs. I’m grateful for the bad, stormy days because that means the sun is just around the corner.