For Aisha
People come and go. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life, but the people who are constant throughout your life are the people you hold the closest to your heart.
In my first blog post, I talked about friendships, and how I identified unhealthy friendships I wanted to get rid of. It’s much easier for me to identify relationships that don’t serve me because I have such healthy friendships I look up to...and also because I was once that toxic friend. I guess it takes one to really know one, right?
Aisha and I became friends in high school. We had left our homes to live at an all-girls boarding school at just 13 years old. When you live in a confined space with hundreds of other girls, you get really close. Almost inseparable. We did everything together, from shower parties, skipping classes, and to taking a shit in the stalls next to each other. We grew up together. Though we lived trapped in the dorms in the middle of nowhere, we had fun just having each other’s company. Aisha is from the Bronx, so whenever I came down from Upstate, we’d meet up and explore New York City together. It was liberating being able to run around the city and do whatever we wanted. So when I found out we would both be going to college in the city, I was beyond excited. I was going to Parsons and Aisha at NYU, so we were basically going to be neighbors. However, Aisha didn’t exactly feel the same way.
When someone hurts you, you tell them. And then it’s up to the other person to stop what they were doing and learn from their behavior, or get defensive and not really hear you. However, sometimes it becomes much harder to express feelings of annoyance, anger, or establish clear boundaries with someone you become really close to. This is even harder when you are an INFP and want to avoid any type of conflict. Aisha and I are both INFP’s and though our personality types don’t define who we are, it is very helpful in understanding the basis of our personalities and our behaviors. You can learn and take a test to find out your personality type here. The Myers Briggs Personality types describe INFP’s as the mediators, the quiet, open-minded, and imaginative people who follow their feelings and intuition. INFP’s are pretty rare and make up only 4-5% of the population. Even though there’s a small number of us, I’ve learned that a good chunk of my friends are actually INFP’s, and we have a way of finding each other. I think in most relationships, INFP’s take on the listening or “therapist” role, as we are extremely empathetic, understanding, and introspective. With that said, it can get pretty emotionally exhausting spending time with people who constantly talk about themselves and their problems and unload their emotional baggage on you. One thing Aisha and I have in common as INFP’s is that we are conflict-averse. Everyone has a different way of dealing with conflict, whether it’s facing it head on or avoiding the situation totally, there is no right or wrong way. However, ignoring a wound and an issue will only fester into something more hurtful and complicated to confront.
Throughout high school, there were many times in which Aisha was left feeling frustrated, saddened, or stressed out about our friendship. All these negative emotions built up and eventually exploded because we never confronted and talked about them. When freshman year of college started, Aisha decided it was finally time to speak up about how our friendship was making her feel through text. She didn’t necessarily want to end our friendship but merely let me know how I had hurt her during our friendship. But after reading the lengthy text Aisha sent me, I reacted badly. I was angry, upset, and refused to believe or really understand Aisha when she confronted me about my behavior. What had also increased my defensiveness was because of the language Aisha used in her text.
in our own world
When we talk about our feelings, it is important to share what we know for certain: which are our feelings and the facts around it. It also helps to switch “you” sentences around to “I feel”.
For example, instead of saying: “You always get angry when I try to tell you how I feel” “You never show up when I want you to” “You make me feel bad about myself”
Switch to: “I feel frustrated when I try to tell you how I want things done and I am met with anger” “I feel neglected and hurt when you don’t show up” “I feel judged when I try to share my interests with you”.
By shifting the focus to our feelings (which are NEVER wrong), the other person is more likely to hear what we have to say. If our sentences sound accusatory, like “you never show up”, it will make the other person defensive and shut you down. This is what happened to me and Aisha when she initially tried to tell me how she felt. I shut her down and refused to acknowledge or validate her feelings. I sent her a text back with everything that made me angry during our friendship that I was holding back and told her we shouldn't’ be friends anymore. Though Aisha was only trying to tell me what I had done to hurt her in hopes of fixing our friendship, I interpreted it as her telling me everything I had done wrong, and that I was a horrible friend. Instead of owning up to my actions and really reflecting on my behavior, I blamed Aisha for ruining our friendship. We went half a year without talking to each other.
It wasn’t until I was put in the exact same position as Aisha that I finally understood where she was coming from. I was trying to communicate with a new college friend how her behavior was hurting me, and I realized Aisha was trying to do the exact same thing. It took me six months, but I finally came to a place of understanding and realized Aisha and I were more similar than I thought. I was scared, anxious, and beyond nervous to share my feelings and set boundaries with this new friend - and I could only imagine how Aisha felt trying to talk to me. I realized I was putting on blame and anger on Aisha for speaking up on her feelings because it was something that I was scared to do. After half a year of not speaking, I reached out to Aisha and we talked to each other, face to face.
It’s been almost a year now since Aisha and I reconnected after time apart. Since then, our friendship has grown beautifully. Whenever we are together I really see the law of attraction come in play; everything flows easily and falls in place so naturally. We vibrate at a higher frequency. Whether it’s biking across the bridge at sunrise, riding a ferry to nowhere, or cooking a meal together, we always enjoy our company and have so much fun. We have also learned more about each other as INFP’s and found that we are actually very emotional and passionate, though it might not look like that on the outside. As true INFP’s we love playing the “We’re Not Really Strangers” Card game, which has us delve deeper into ourselves and learn more about each other on a deeper level.
Aisha and I playing We’re Not Really Strangers
Not everyone is meant to stay in your life, but those who are meant to will always come back. I’m so grateful we found our way back to each other and grew together. Anyone who knows Aisha is lucky to have her in her life. She is the best friend anyone could ask for.
Happy birthday Aisha, I love you.
I am insanely proud and grateful to call you my best friend.
Here’s to another year around the sun.
